The Value of Therapy

Throughout childhood, adolescence and right into my early twenties I was a very anxious person. I was scared I wasn’t okay. I was scared I wasn’t enough. I was scared there was something wrong with me. I tried different practitioners – a couple of therapists, a psychiatrist. Nothing seemed to work and I began to feel like there was nothing and no one that could help me. But then a year and a half ago I knew I couldn’t continue on trapped in my current state of mind and I looked for and found a therapist. But not just any therapist, the right therapist.

Over the last year and a half I worked with her on unpacking and working through a lifetime of stuff. I worked on understanding and facing my fears. I worked on being kind, patient and understanding with myself. There were times I didn’t want to, there were times it was so hard I just wanted to abandon ship and give up on the whole painful, exhausting process. But I didn’t. I stuck it out. I found myself going in each week often feeling terrible, agonizing about what I knew I needed to talk about, and then hearing just the right words and getting the guidance I needed to leave knowing what I wanted to do. And then, slowly, I felt myself getting calmer. I felt myself better able to process anxiety-inducing situations. I started trusting in myself and loving myself. Over the last few months I started booking less sessions, not because I was scared of going in, but because I just felt I didn’t need to anymore. I was able to cope with a lot of seemingly scary and hard situations on my own. But I was still waiting for that one big, emotionally-devastating situation that would send me running back to her feeling like nothing had changed.

Recently, a relationship was developing in my life that made me feel more excited and hopeful than I had in a very long time, possibly ever, and then, in one painful blow, I discovered earlier this week that it was done. A few years ago this kind of situation would have buried me in anger, sadness, embarrassment, shame and despair. Those feelings would have swirled around in me, crushed my spirit and made me shut down, give up and isolate myself. But this time things were different. Instead of rushing to berate myself or isolate myself, I paused. I took it all in. I talked to a couple of close friends to get my feelings out. I diffused some essential oils and meditated. I did some journaling. I went for a walk. That’s not to say I didn’t feel all those feelings. I felt them all. But to my amazement, in the last year and a half of therapy, without realizing it, I had been experimenting with all kinds of coping mechanisms. My therapist had suggested journaling and confiding in close friends and meditating. I had tried them all. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes I’d return to her in despair, sometimes I’d return with clarity. But what I didn’t realize was all the growth that was happening without me even noticing it. One of my favourite film lines is when Kevin Kline’s character in Life as a House says “change can be so constant you don’t even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don’t even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is.” I had no idea how much I had changed until all of that growth was put to the test. And lo and behold, I’m still standing.

This week one of the scenarios I feared most actually happened to me and all of those feelings came rushing back. I’m not okay. I’m not enough. There’s something wrong with me. Yes, they came back, just as I feared they would. But to my surprise, they didn’t destroy me. They sat with me. They cut me a little. But all of the work I had done in the past year and a half was also there – supporting me, loving me, guiding me. The hurt was so profound at first but eventually the trust was able to seep back in. Trust in myself. And trust that the universe sometimes provides us with what we need even if we don’t want it. That trust let me know the hurt would pass and I would be okay.

As fate would have it, a couple of weeks ago my therapist contacted me to ask me how I would feel about closing my file as I hadn’t seen her in a good chunk of time. Closing my file? That sounded like a terrifying prospect. The scared part of me felt like that meant I was saying “I’m okay. I can do this on my own.” I wanted to believe that was true but I wasn’t so sure. So I decided to book an appointment to go in, chat with her and see if closing my file felt like the right decision. That appointment, booked two weeks in advance, happened to be three days after learning the relationship I thought was going in one direction went in the other. But to my surprise, when everything happened, I didn’t feel that desperate need to run to her for support and insight as I might have a year ago. Now, I had the support of friends I had learned to confide in, the help of coping mechanisms I had put in place and the insights of a year and a half of digging deep into my soul and learning to truly trust myself and the universe. So I went in yesterday, we talked about everything that had happened, we took a look at how much had changed within me in the last year and a half, and with the clarity, certainty and confidence that I had been waiting for, I closed my file. That’s not to say that she’ll never be a resource for me in the future. I know if something happens and I need her, she’ll always be there. But after what tested me in the last few days, I was able to go in there and know that I am, and will be, okay.

I know therapy can seem like a scary thing. Even with the strides mental health awareness has taken in recent years I think in many ways society can still make many of us feel as though we’re weak or like there’s something wrong with us for having to get help. But I would argue that 1) therapy has made me stronger than I have ever been before and 2) there’s nothing “wrong” with being human. If we didn’t have challenges and things to work on we wouldn’t be human. And there’s something truly powerful and wonderful about being able to acknowledge those challenges and to seek help to better ourselves and improve our lives.

If you’re considering therapy I honestly can’t recommend it highly enough. Whatever your challenges, no matter how large or small, working through them with a trained professional can be more beneficial than I can possibly express. If therapy hasn’t worked for you in the past, don’t give up. It might not have been the right practitioner but I do believe the right therapist can make all the difference. And if money is an issue, there are plenty of sliding-scale therapists willing to charge less as well as different organizations specializing in certain issues or topics that have free or affordable counseling. There are also so many support groups available that can be really beneficial as well. 211.ca is a great resource that you can use to search for counselling or support groups in your area. Or in a pinch, calling a hotline like the Toronto Distress Centre can be a great way to just talk to someone, voice what you’re going through and have someone truly hear you out.

A few years ago I never would have believed this kind of love for myself, trust in the universe and peace with who I am and where I’m at could exist. But it is possible. So if you’re struggling, please know help and support is out there, you just have to take the scary step and ask for it. It takes tremendous courage but you can do it.